When I started going through all of The Diva's challenges from the start I had planned to just do that. Sit on my couch. Drink some wine. Do all the challenges. Then I read this challenge and got weepy. Yes. I started crying.
I still hadn't met Laura at this point. But we had something in common. We were both keeping something secret. At this point in our journeys with small children that were not well we were not sharing the gravity of our kids situation.
In this challenge she talks about the realities of a preemie baby which are really difficult realities. But at this point what she's not telling you is its probably not so much the preemie, but all of the very serious breathing and swallowing issues that can happen if you have Moebius syndrome. The fear of whether or not your child is going to make it.
When I saw the picture that Laura posted of herself and Artoo I can see that she's scared. That she's stressed. That she's ready to do exactly what she says at the bottom of the post.... to curl up in the fetal position in the corner and hide for a bit. Escape the reality of life that is coming. Mourning the loss of having a typical journey through life and having to accept that you're going down an unmarked path without anything to prepare you. I know that Laura was using Zentangle as an escape at this point... a place where she could put her brain down on paper. For 15-20 minutes a clear head, focused on something that wasn't fear.
So when she's talking about self protectiveness it really got to me. She was protecting herself, her family... doing everything she could to protect everyone which is emotionally exhausting. On her challenge this week I see that she's protecting her family... telling everyone a little about what's going on, but not everything... because everything is scary, and it's hard to admit that your child has something that might kill them. It's like Voldemort. If you don't speak it's name... maybe it will go away (it wont). Maybe if you don't tell people it's not real (it is). Maybe if you just pretend it's not there it won't come to haunt you (it will).
So yeah. This challenge was an emotional experience for me. It took me back there. Way back to the days where I lived in denial that my daughter was not as sick as the docs were telling me. I lived in denial for the first year... not even telling some of my closest friends and family what was going on. I didn't have the answers to the questions I imagined I would be asked. And to this day, I still haven't shared E-Bean's full story with a lot of people. I'm still afraid of our Voldemort. I still try to pretend it doesn't exist... but it does. I'm still drawing orbs in my brain trying to protect myself. Only a few know exactly what's going on.. and The Diva is one of them. So when I hit this point in her challenges when she started divulging a little more info... it really touched me, and made me call her because it was our kids that brought us together.
So when she's talking about self protectiveness it really got to me. She was protecting herself, her family... doing everything she could to protect everyone which is emotionally exhausting. On her challenge this week I see that she's protecting her family... telling everyone a little about what's going on, but not everything... because everything is scary, and it's hard to admit that your child has something that might kill them. It's like Voldemort. If you don't speak it's name... maybe it will go away (it wont). Maybe if you don't tell people it's not real (it is). Maybe if you just pretend it's not there it won't come to haunt you (it will).
So yeah. This challenge was an emotional experience for me. It took me back there. Way back to the days where I lived in denial that my daughter was not as sick as the docs were telling me. I lived in denial for the first year... not even telling some of my closest friends and family what was going on. I didn't have the answers to the questions I imagined I would be asked. And to this day, I still haven't shared E-Bean's full story with a lot of people. I'm still afraid of our Voldemort. I still try to pretend it doesn't exist... but it does. I'm still drawing orbs in my brain trying to protect myself. Only a few know exactly what's going on.. and The Diva is one of them. So when I hit this point in her challenges when she started divulging a little more info... it really touched me, and made me call her because it was our kids that brought us together.
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| March 14, 2014 The Diva Challenge #5, Orbs |
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| A picture from our life on the day of this challenge. January 17, 2011 |
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